32 of the Best Nerdy and Intellectual Jokes You Won’t Get

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The world is a wonderful place filled with nerdy jokes. These following ones are either the golden peak of humour or so nerdy that it takes Sheldon Cooper a few minutes to get.

Go ahead, Google them, we won’t judge.

32 Best Nerdy Intellectual Jokes and a Bonus Picture

Warning: Mildly Interesting


  1. What do you do with a sick chemist?
    If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you’ll probably have to barium.

  2. What do you get when you put root beer in a square mug?

  3. C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says: no minors!

  4. What is the pH of a slow internet connection?
    I don’t know, but it must be very stable since constantly buffers.

  5. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

  6. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
    Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

  7. Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist #1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist #2 and says: “Hey, I’ve figured it out. I know where we are.”

    “Where are we then?”

    “Do you see that mountain over there? Well… THAT’S where we are.”


  8. A programmer’s wife gives him a grocery list: Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.
    The programmer returns with a dozen loaves of bread…

  9. The next day as he’s leaving, the wife tells him while he’s out, to get milk.
    He doesn’t come back.


  10. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
    Ask them to pronounce unionized.

  11. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender pours two beers and says “You guys need to know your limits.”

  12. A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.

    “Do you mean a Martini?” asks the bartender.

    “No!” snaps the Roman, “if I had wanted a double I would have asked!”

  13. Why didn’t Karl Mark drink Earl Grey Tea?
    Because all proper tea is theft.

  14. A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, “Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?” And the professor responds, “That’s no hydroxyl ion; that’s my wife!”

  15. Werner Heisenberg is speeding down the road and a cop pulls him over. The cop says “Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says “No, but I know exactly where I am.”

    1. The cop looked at him incredulously: “You were going precisely 105 mph!”
      Heisenberg: “Great! Now I’m lost.”

    2. Schrodinger, meanwhile, sits grumpily in the passenger seat as the cop takes a look around the car. “Did you know you have a dead cat back here?” The officer opens the trunk.
      “I do now, asshole.”

    3. Later that night, Heisenburg and his wife realize they’re are having problems in bed; When he has the time, he doesn’t have the energy, and when he has the position, he can’t get the momentum.

  16. The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club

  17. Three statisticians were out hunting deer. The first finds a deer and takes aim. He misses 5 feet to the right. The second takes aim and fires, but misses 5 feet to the left. The third statistician says “Yes! We got him!”

  18. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
    He worked it out with a pencil.



  19. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek… Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting to ten while Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
    Newton smirks and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!”

  20. What’s good anagram of Banach-Tarski?
    Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski.


  21. Seen on the news: “Standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician.”

  22. What is the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?
    An etymologist knows.

  23. A statistician walks into a sandwich shop and sees a sign that reads, “Home of the Meanest Grilled Cheese in Town.” So he orders the grilled cheese.

    Later, the waitress asks him how he liked the sandwich, to which he said: “Eh, it was about average.

  24. x and e^x are hanging out at a party, x is having loads of fun while e^x is sulking in a corner. “Hey, why don’t you try harder to integrate?” Asks x.
    “Its no use!” Replies e^x, “all I have is a constant companion.”

    1. Later that night, a drunk differential operator shows up at the party, shouting threats like “I’ll differentiate you all!”The party guests promptly flee. e^x, sensing that it was his moment to shine, and knowing he won’t be harmed, stands up to the intruder.“Stand aside, or I’ll differentiate you!” The differential operator yells.

      “Pffft. Big deal, I’m e^x!”

      “I’m d/dy.”

  25. A TCP packet walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer.” The bartender replies, “You want a beer?” The TCP packet replies, “Yes, I’d like a beer.”

    1. A UDP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer, the bartender doesn’t acknowledge him.

    2. BitTorrent packet walks into a bar and asks for beer. Everyone in the bar who have beer gives him a sip.

  26. What do you get when you integrate 1/cabin?
    A log cabin!

    1. A mathematician hears this joke and promptly exclaims “wrong!”
      When asked why, he replies: “It’s a house boat! A log cabin plus the sea.”

  27. A biologist, chemist, and physicist were asked by a farmer how they would determine the milk output of his cow. The biologist said he would examine the cow’s trending milk output in its relatives. The chemist said he would measure the biochemical reactions inside the cow.
    The physicist, after some calculations, says, “Consider a spherical cow…”

    1. “…In a vacuum…”

    2. “…emitting milk evenly in all directions…”

  28. A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.

    The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer asked if anyone had a red rubber ball volume table because he only had tables for blue and purple.


  29. The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: “Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?”

    Sartre replied, “Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream”.

    Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, “I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream – how about with no milk?”


  30. A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
    “Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
    “That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”
    “So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
    “We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”

  31. Absolute zero isn’t that dangerous, I know a guy who reached it, and he turned out to be 0K after all.

  32. Who is this Rorschach guy?…
    And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?



Bonus picture!


These people are deriving me crazy. There must be a way to integrate them back into society.

These people are deriving me crazy. There must be a way to integrate them back into society.

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